BETRAYAL

By: Suzanne DeBevoise

Betrayal is such an ugly word for such an ugly deed. It becomes even worse when a person is blindsided with accusations and hatred for an imagined slight.

The old saying “sometimes people are only there for a season, and others are there for a lifetime” becomes devastating when that person has been there for decades; for what you thought was a lifetime, and then leaves you hollow and alone. 

There is no easy fix when this occurs. No words of comfort can heal a soul that has been torn to shreds, set a fire, and the ashes blown into the cold dead grasp of outer space. “Sorry” won’t even begin to light a spark in that inner void. 

If one is lucky they get one best friend. The one you can tell all your deepest darkest secrets to. Who understands without judgment. Who believes in you when you are unable to believe in yourself. These relationships are rare and cherished.

I was fortunate enough to have more than one such person in my life. Two are gone. Up with the angels in the heavens. They can no longer hold me when I cry, or advise me, or listen patiently, whilst I try to work thru the obstacles in my journey.

The last, the betrayer, is the cut that killed my soul. I thought everything was great. They said they moved to this state to be closer to me. We had hung out the night before. What could possibly go wrong in such a short span of time? One little question. One question I have asked at different times throughout our friendship. One question that led to me being ignored and blocked. That one little question led to a night of devastation for me, full of accusations and lies that I had no clue would happen. Worst of all I was told this by their family member. This “best friend” of decades would not even tell me. How do you fight for a ghost? How can you have an informative discussion with the person who knows all your ups and downs, but refuses to talk to you? I never thought they would become such a coward when the chips were down.

So I am left hollow. Out in a cold stormy night unable to find my way back from the torturous black depths of depression. The kind that takes an eternity to work thru with professional assistance. The kind of deep black hole that only your bestie can free you from. 

My eyes burn from all the tears. I feel so frail and lost. I have some awesome, loving, kind people in my life to help me thru this maze of insanity; but I won’t feel better in a night, or a week. Everytime my notification sounds, my heart leaps a little untill my brain reminds me it’s not gonna be you. I have to stop blaming myself for the lies I was accused of. Today is the first step. From here it seems like an eternity.

Day 1

So, today was day 1 of another attempt to walk again. I have become complacent and complain constantly about my weight. Granted a lot of the issue of gaining weight is the fact that I have a spinal disease which makes it difficult and sometimes painful to walk. The rest is stress eating. Why? Because I gained weight! Sometimes I think I have more issues than a normal person should. I don’t want to conform to society’s strict box of what a person should look like, but some days it is difficult.

I am getting rid of all the clothes I have been saving for when I loose the weight. I will never be that weight again unless I start using again; and that is NOT an option. So, I need to face some cold hard truths. All this being said, here is my walk.

I walk outside into the concrete cage, feeling on display again. (On display, each and every day…..right Melissa Gorga? I need to add that to my workout/walking songs) Their eyes watching me, both young and old. I hate this disease. I constantly feel judged. But, I got up at 5 am and I’m not going to surrender to the sleepy dust still lingering in the corners of my eyes. Fortunately everyone was still asleep; or at least in their houses where I could not see them. It is very humid today. But, I go out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the concrete cage of the suburbs. Oh how I miss my magical forest; I even miss the gravel walkers. I use a rollator now and am in such bad shape I cannot even make it two blocks. But, I walk. I think, I listen to music, and I walk. My head bent in an almost permanent form of repentance; for what I do not know. I turn left and walk past the white truck, down the road to the first street of the loop. I take more breaks, berating myself for not sticking to it the last time. Hating the paved road beneath me. There is a rail trail here but it is too far away for me to use, since I chose not to drive for safety reasons.

I walk, hearing his voice in my head. Angry as always, and reprimand me. I walk. Now I am trying to hear my lovers voice; so patient, kind, and inspiring. Urging me on, proud of what little I have accomplished. Telling me “I got you, babe”. It is hard to drown out the other voice, the angry voice. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I am not worthy of love. But I walk. I walk and I think. I may not feel worthy of his deep love, but he thinks I am. So I walk, straining to hear his sweet voice. I walk and rest; walk and rest. This is not my magical forest, but I must find a way to embrace it. Find a way to embrace my disease. Find a way to love myself. So I walk.

I cannot make it to the second street of the loop, so I turn to go back. I am not able to speed walk today, but I walked. There is a small forest behind the varied houses, but I would have to go through someone’s yard. I know none of my neighbors, social anxiety SUCKS! So I head back. Past the big green electrical box. I walk, past the basketball stand. The sun is just beginning to peek through the trees. Summer brings such a vibrant lush green to the world. I am thankful there are so many trees near the street. I walk to the driveway with the big white truck. Up to the garage, up the stairs and slump on the couch in front of a very wonderfully needed fan.

It felt good to walk. I wish I had done more. I will go again on Friday. I will try to walk further. We are in the midst of a heatwave so I will have to get up early again. The best part was the lack of the lookers. They may not be gravel walkers but I still keep my distance. Not just because there is a pandemic stealing souls throughout the world, but because they judge. Even the best of the lookers still have pity in their eyes. So, Friday I will try to find more interesting markers. This is where I am forced to walk, so this is what I will embrace. And in doing so, I take back a little part of myself.

BLOW ME

BLOW ME
(by Pink)
Suzanne V Debevoise

13 Sep 2019

Very interesting song. I have started walking again and this is one of the songs that played. The words really struck a note with me today. I blocked my ex from any contact with me. The last time he called he needed a phone number & I could hear his fiance in the back screaming at him to hang up. (I guess she doesn’t like me LOL). Anyway, that was a while ago. I have forgiven him for the bad times but now I’m left with good memories.

He wasn’t all horrible the whole 4 years we were together. There were good times too. I guess I’m writing this because I have been dreaming of him occasionally. (Last night being one of them). It was a nice dream but it ALWAYS has to do with crack cocaine. He once said that he kept me high so I wouldn’t be depressed because we couldn’t afford psych meds. I HATE dreaming about or thinking about crack. It made me skinny quick & I didn’t notice the pain and had no idea my back was caused from a spinal disease. Crack made me active and there was NEVER enough.

So, as I walked today listening to Pink I thought about my dream and how far I have come in my life thus far. I am with the most incredible, supportive, loving, understanding, and giving man (I call him my Superman). He saved me from some bad and uncaring doctors in NJ and took me to Boston Medical to get proper treatment and diagnosis. The NJ doctors I went to didn’t want to touch me or do any procedures because of the 3.5 years I was on crack. Stupid people make stupid assumptions.

I gained most of my weight back but he sees what is inside of me. He calls bullshit when he sees it and doesn’t let me sit on my butt when I am feeling well and should be walking. He comforts me when the former addiction is screaming at me to come back. And, he loves me through all of it. I am so very fortunate to have him with me.

I don’t want to dream about my ex anymore, but it doesn’t seem like I have the ability to stop it. It’s ok to dream. Just as long as you remember who you are now and how abusive things were then. That’s why I can tell him to “Blow Me” (listen to the song, it makes sense, LOL). Because I am strong and I did so much better without him.

So, on this beautiful Friday 13th my advice is to live for today, be thankful for all that you have, remember the past as a growing tool, and love yourself because you deserve it. God Bless

Take Care of YOU

All of my friends are like me. Very giving of yourself, your time, and even your money. So when do you find time for yourself? Well you know you need to take care of yourself or you won’t be good to anyone. It is very true but most of us feel guilty when we do. I have found something that works for me and want to share it with all of you.

I don’t have a lot of money like most of you so buying cheap has always been my look at life. But, over the past few years I have started to change that. I found that doing something nice like getting a pedicure or buying a more expensive brand of soap is a small thing to do but a big gift to yourself. I found myself doing that recently. I have a few friends that I consider to be “well off” financially. Every time I use their powder rooms they always have these really cute liquid soap. So I checked one time and it came from Marshalls.

Yesterday I went there and searched the whole store until I found the Lemon Verbena soap in the pretty bottle. It was $3 – 4 more than I normally spend but it is such a luxury for me. The smell of the soap, the thick, suds, I love it all. It’s just a little money but really improved my mood. I have done little things for myself in the past but I always seem to come up with reasons why I can’t do it. Well this is me telling you that YOU CAN DO IT, You are allowed to do it. You deserve this.

I hope all of you will share with me what you do to treat yourself. I would love to get more ideas. Happy Thanksgiving from a madwoman who rants.

Couch Days

Today is one of those cold overcast days which I have begun to refer to as “couch days”. For many of you that term may evoke thoughts of hot liquids, warm quilts, a good movie or book; and all of this is true, but for me there is one more reason. Days like today are extremely painful. I am forced to sit on the couch with the remote and computer and try not to move much. Every joint in my body screams in agonizing rejection of my movements.

My mind has a funny way of reacting to the pain. It seems to think that when I move, forcing the screams from my joints out of my mouth will help the pain ease or go away. It is comical when you stop to think of it. Listening to these moans escape my lips I wonder what someone else would think could they hear me.

Keep in mind, I am not asking for sympathy, only relaying a fact. In truth, I am in high spirits today. As long as I don’t move I am pretty happy. Talking on the phone, watching TV, doing Ancestry.com; are all good distractions and take my mind off of my uncooperative body. You have to choose to be happy. You are the only one who can affect your mood. You allow or reject others actions and opinions to have a hold on you and have only yourself to rely on.

No one is guaranteed an easy life. We all have struggles and hard times. But those are the reasons we enjoy and appreciate the good times when they come. I don’t like being stuck on the couch. I have a ton of things I would rather be doing today. But life doesn’t give us a choice. It just happens. So I can choose to sit here and be miserable. Feel bad for myself. Cry when the pain gets unbearable. Or I can enjoy the warm cup of coffee next to me. Feel every ounce of love my godmother sewed into the quilt that is keeping me warm, and try to remember that tomorrow is a new day to try again.

Life is what you make it, so choose to make it a good one.

The Blush

Sitting on the couch in my pj’s playing on the computer. No makeup on, hair a mess. I look up and catch you staring at me. A huge blush seems to take over my entire body. I feel the warmth envelope me, and immediately cover my face with my hands, hoping to disappear behind them. It’s not so much the fact that you were staring at me as it was the way you were. The look on your face conveyed so much in that small moment in time.

I saw, in your eyes, the me you see. The me I wish I was. The me I want to be. Chestnut brown hair flowing in a gentle breeze, flawless skin and makeup. Stunning smile with perfect white teeth. Slender, petite features. The love for me expressed in your mesmerizing deep brown eyes fills me with such deeply overwhelming waves of love that I am unable to speak. The fact that you see the real me behind the reality of my damaged body is so incredible it can only be described as true love.

Those moments I catch you staring at me like that are priceless. No words could ever express the feelings you convey. No hugs or kisses could ever compare to the deep abiding love I see within you. The fact that you feel this way about me takes the breath out of my lungs. I have never felt this depth of love from another. It brings me to my knees in thankful prayer to my Higher Power. I have no words to explain how you make me feel. Not just about you or for you, but about myself.

You make me want to be the person you see. To spread my wings and grow. To love you as much and to make you feel as extraordinary as you make me feel. I want you to be proud of me and I want to treat you as exceptionally as you treat me. I know I fail daily, sometimes due to the crippled body I am forced to live in. But I want you to know that I do try. It may take me longer and I may have to put forth more effort, but I do try.

I have never felt this way for anyone before. This is all new territory for me and you teach me so much on a daily basis. I never knew what love was until I met you. I am posting this not to embarrass you but to tell the world how special you are and to let others know that true love still exists and good men are still out there. I love you.

Snow Day

As I sit here with the Christmas tree lit watching the heavy snow fall & whip around outside my window I think of all my happy friends enjoying a snow day home. Kids enjoying the day off from school, parents enjoying some extra family time away from the daily drudgery of work. But for me, it’s just another day. Every day for me is a “snow day”. I am no longer able to drive due to this horrible disease. Unless I am at physical therapy or another doctor appointment, I spend my days as I am today. Doing ancestry research on my laptop in front of the TV or sleeping in, or when I feel motivated, sewing quilts.

It’s great at first, having free time to do what you want when you want. But eventually it sinks in that this is now the rest of your life. All of your friends are busy at work and with their own families. Hours drag on into days. Days drag on into weeks, months, and years. You miss the daily interaction of coworkers. The responsibilities of a job or career. Eventually depression sets in, no matter how hard you try to fight it.

The seasons change but you see it as a never ending snow day. Alone, bored, out of ideas to pass the agonizingly slow seconds that make up your days. Waiting anxiously by the door when your loved when is ready to arrive like a faithful dog. Trying desperately not to overwhelm them with phone calls and texts because the loneliness is like a block of concrete carried on your shoulders.

What to do? How do you emerge from the black hole your mind is slipping into? When all your coping skills have failed, how do you proceed? Therapy? Religion? Dumping all your crap on your friends that are also dealing with their own insecurities and stress? That’s where I am now. Struggling to accept my new life. Realizing that there is no cure. Searching for a way to live a life I didn’t ask for and sure as hell do not want. I feel like a daily burden to the man I love. Failing at the most basic of tasks due to pain or lack of motivation. Constantly worrying that one day he will say he has had enough.

Those who know him know this will never happen. He is a king amongst men. Kind, gentle, supportive, loving and compassionate. He knows my fears and does his best to comfort me. The problem is mine alone. Stuck in this house keeps me stuck in my head. One of the WORST places to be. So where do I go from here? Finding joy in the daily events of life have become more difficult. Even Christmas was over-shadowed with internal gloominess. One of my favorite times of year did not even alleviate the darkness within.

I am not giving up. I fight daily to keep from slipping farther down. I will not allow myself to give in completely to the skeletal fingers reaching for me, begging me to give up. I am not a quitter. Even in the worst of circumstances I have hung on hoping for the best. As I have often written before, this is not for you. I write to express myself, but if some of what I have written rings true to you or helps you on the journey I am happy to share.

I can no longer take those walks that cleared my soul. The days of finding refuge and serenity in nature is no longer an option. I do not ask you to feel sorry for me either. All I ask is that you understand. Realize that the struggle is real. Remember that the things you do daily and take for granted cannot be done by others. I long for the days I was able to walk in the woods. Miss the ability to just hop in the car and go for a drive.

This is a new year. A time of beginnings. A chance to start again and to change. I cannot control my body. I cannot change the disease. I’m trying to get out of this funk I am in. My goal this year is simple. I choose to be happy. To fight hard to get back to the optimistic, positive, happy me. I also want to start my non profit up again. Even if it’s just me. Even if it is no longer technically a “non profit”. The only thing I have ever felt passionate about in my life was helping others. I am hoping that by applying my energies into something positive I can change the way I think about myself.

Stay tuned. This story is just beginning. I am a fighter and refuse to give up.

Never Give Up

(Please read the full story, I promise it gets better at the end)

I am not strong. I guess sometimes I just push this disease out of my mind and go on with my life. But every once in awhile something happens to slap me in the face and drag me back down to reality. This disease is mine. It will never, ever go away. It will probably continue to get worse. There is NOTHING I can do. It sucks. I’m angry. It’s not fair. I look at those around me, both strangers and those close to me. They take their health for granted. I can’t be angry with them. I used to take my health for granted also. They can stand up and prepare a meal. They can walk as far as they want without aid. I want my old life back. I wanna do what I want when I want.

I feel trapped in this horrible body. I have always had issues with the way I look and always hated my body but this is even deeper. The disease is even deeper. My body is growing new bones. Fusing my spine together. I can feel it slither around working it’s way into my brain. Laughing at me and all my attempts to just LIVE. I fight so hard some days. Fight to get out of bed. Fight to get dressed. Fight to make dinner for my love. Fight to clean up the house. Fight to remain positive. I am so very tired. Giving up is not an option, EVER. But I am so very tired. I just wish there was a way to take a break from my body. To just exist outside of it. Float through space and be free.

How can I accept this? How am I supposed to lead a happy life knowing that pain and physical challenges will continue to get worse. How can I stay positive when I am constantly forced to ask for help. It’s NOT FAIR!!!

I wrote the above the beginning of this month. All of it is still true today, but, somedays are better than others. Now I am trying to find ways to do my “simple” everyday tasks. Sometimes the ideas are immediate and others seem to take forever to figure out.

I have found a lotion applicator to help me put lotion on the lower parts of my legs. It works great. I came up with the idea to get a pooper scooper for the house inside. Sometimes the dog has an accident and I can no longer reach down to get it. It would drive me nuts that I would have to wait all day just til Jeff came home to have it cleaned up. I also came up with another idea today. It is very difficult for me to prepare potatoes. Today I put a roast in the crockpot. I had to take the colander, the peeler, a knife, the cutting board, the potatoes and the trashcan to the table just to prepare the potatoes for the roast. Now, keep in mind I have to use a cane so all of this is one handed. Then I have to take it all back to the kitchen. But it dawned on me tonight. There are canned whole potatoes. Though not as nice a presentation, it would be so much easier for me to use. And as an added bonus I don’t have to worry about the potatoes going bad because I didn’t use them quickly enough.

That is another obstacle for me. I can’t tell from one day to the next what my pain level will be so it is very difficult to plan meals. I have bags of chicken nuggets and tater tots in the freezer as a stand by. Unfortunately I am a picky eater, lol.

My thoughts in writing all of this tonight and showing all of you what my discouragements are is in the hope of helping someone else. I try my best to stay positive but as you saw, it doesn’t always happen. I learned tonight that with a little thought I can come up with some creative ways of still taking care of those I love even if I can’t do it the way I used to. My point is NEVER GIVE UP…………..NEVER SURRENDER. I can’t make lemonade out of the lemons life gave me, but I can use them as garnish to make my iced tea pretty.

When …

When I tell you, with pride in my voice, that I cleaned the bathroom, please realize it literally took me all day to do it because the pain gets so bad I can only work in shifts. After cleaning for only 30 minutes I am forced to sit or lay down for almost an hour just to have a tolerable level of pain so I can go back to work again for another 30 minutes.

When I make dinner for you, please say thank you, and realize it took me hours to prepare and cook it because I can’t stand for very long. First I did all the cutting and preparing. After an hour of rest, I cooked the meat. After another 90 minutes I was finally able to finish the meal.

When you see me with my cane, hunched over, walking into a store, please don’t stare. It took a lot of work just to get out of bed today. A sunny smile and cheery hello will always be returned by me. I’m not contagious.

When you see me using a motorized cart at Wal-Mart, please realize that I truly need it and it helps me get my shopping done as quickly as you do. I do NOT want to be on it. I feel vulnerable and in the spotlight, but I have no other choice because the store is just too large.

When you see I have gained weight, please don’t judge me. Two years ago I was walking three miles or more every other day. It’s difficult to maintain your weight or even try to lose it when the medications make you so dizzy you can’t stand and the pain, even with medications, sometimes brings you to tears.

When you ask me to do something with you and I decline, please understand. I REALLY want to see you, but the outing you want to go on is too physically challenging for me. It would be wonderful if you came over and kept me company. We could watch movies or play games or even just sit and talk. Depression is hard to fight when you feel lonely.

When you see me sitting on the couch watching TV or on my laptop, please don’t think I’m being lazy. It takes time for the medications to work sometimes and if they don’t the pain is too unbearable to even move.

When I call you just to say hi, please try to take the time out of your busy day to talk to me. I know you have a lot on your plate, but sometimes I just need to hear your voice and know that someone cares.

When you see me in a wheelchair at the museum or Ikea, please know I wish I could melt into the seat. I HATE having to sit there and feel helpless as someone else does all the work. It sucks to have to rely on others for the littlest of things like just putting on your socks and tying your shoes.

When I tell you I need help, please know I tried more than once to do it myself and am now frustrated and angry with my body for not allowing me to do what I want and need to do. I do NOT choose to be a burden to you but I no longer have a choice.

When I cry on your shoulder and complain about my disease, please don’t push me away. I really trust you and need you to know how difficult it is to live with this every day and to know that it will and is only getting worse.

I fight every single day to put on a happy face and to enjoy the life I have. There are those in the world who are so much worse than me. Every day is a struggle and every day is different. Just because my mind tells me I can do something does not always mean that my body will allow it to happen. Thank you for just being a part of my life because I really need you.

Society’s Downfall

I often hear and read references to the state of our society now that technology has become an integral part of everyone’s lives. This fact has never been truly driven home with me until today. Please bear with me as I unravel my story before you.

My doctor has ordered physical therapy to try to get me more mobile because there is truly nothing more that can be done for me. Two months ago he wrote the order and because of the disease I am afraid to drive. So, that leaves me with getting transportation through my medical insurance. I had this service in NJ and it really was a great benefit. The process was set up well and I had no issues with it. The drivers were all very nice and almost always early. I know for those of you in or from NJ that you will find all of that difficult to believe.

Anyway, after my first PT appointment two months ago I discovered my doctor ordered transportation only twice a month, but the therapist wanted to see me twice a week. Unlike NJ, MA requires you to get a form filled out by your doctor with number of visits and location. So, I went back to the doctor and had him change it on the required form.

The form was faxed to the insurance company three times, or once a week for three weeks. Even though the insurance company assured me that their employees were diligent in their jobs, they could not find the request. It was not until I requested on the fourth week that “CHANGE IN FREQUENCY!!!!!” be placed on the top of the form was it finally accepted and put into the computer. Which of course would lead any sane person to believe that said insurance company employees were throwing away the other forms falsely assuming they were duplicates.

So, last week I started therapy. My second visit was today and I am required to call three days before my next appointment to request transportation. Before I had my first glorious cup of coffee I decided to call the transportation company to set up my appointments for the next month. This is where the downfall manifests itself.

I was told I was only allowed to have two visits per month and my next appointment would make it three. Stupidly I asked what the problem was because I have a letter from the insurance company proving I was allowed to have two visits a week for the next year. So, feeling I was in the right I asked to speak to a supervisor and went in search of the letter. By the time I was connected I had read the letter and discovered that the address was written as 139 Central Street, Ste 100 instead of 132 Central Street, Ste 100. Now please keep in mind that everything else was EXACTLY the same. The rest of the address, the city, even the name of the facility. So I inquired of the supervisor what the issue was. It was obviously a typo and why can’t I be dropped of where I need to be?

She began telling me how this is considered a doctor’s prescription and that they are not allowed to change said prescription. She went on to say much more but by that time I was fuming with anger and hung up. I called Jeff to vent because I could not believe how truly stupid this woman and her company were. All they had to do was look at the previous form and realize there was a mistake. Look it up on the internet and realize there was no physical therapy facility at that location. My amazing boyfriend had me take some deep breaths so I could feel a little better before continuing on my quest for therapy.

Again, I made the mistake of not having any coffee and assuming that there are still intelligent people working in our society. So, I called the insurance company. Surely they would see the error and correct it promptly so I could continue on happily. Boy, was I ever wrong AGAIN. I spoke to the customer representative who, after taking down all my information and the cause of my phone call, politely asked me to hold. When she returned she said she had pulled up a copy of the fax and it looked like a 9. I again explained the error and said there is no PT facility there and it just needs to be changed. I also explained what had happened when I just needed the frequency of my visits changed and how difficult it was to obtain.

NO, she stuck to her guns, reading from some script of rules and decrees from her company that forced her to longer have a brain but instead rely only on the desires of her superiors who obviously had no brains. I was told that I needed to contact my doctor and have him fill out yet a third form with the correct address on it. You have got to be out of your mind! By this point I was in tears with such rage inside that I had no way to release.

Again, I called poor Jeff to tell him how truly stupid people are. He tried to calm me, but it was of no use. I called the doctor’s office in tears and explained to the answering service what had happened. Through sobs I told the poor girl that none of this was the fault of the staff of my doctor but I was so beyond frustrated because past events showed it would probably require another month to get this corrected. She took down all of my information and assured me that a receptionist from the office would call me so we could get this all resolved. That was 9:30 this morning. I’m still waiting for the return call.

My physical therapy appointment relieved me of most of my anger. I am more calm now than I was this morning. I still have not had a single cup of that soul-changing dark brown, warm, sweet tasting liquid. So as I sit here writing to all of you, I wonder why on earth people have become so extremely stupid and what can be done to return to the days that we were forced to use our brains to solve problems instead of the advancing technology.

I have no answers for this. I don’t know if any of you do. But I would really like some thoughts on the matter. Open and honest dialogue may be the last shred of a failing society. Once we cease to communicate with one another we will be truly lost. I wonder what our future generations will think of the choices we made and the losses we chose to impose on ourselves.

Thank you again for reading my rantings. I really hope each of you has a wonderful day. I plan on getting myself that missing cup of coffee and watching the cobwebs form as I sit here waiting for a phone call.