Day 1

So, today was day 1 of another attempt to walk again. I have become complacent and complain constantly about my weight. Granted a lot of the issue of gaining weight is the fact that I have a spinal disease which makes it difficult and sometimes painful to walk. The rest is stress eating. Why? Because I gained weight! Sometimes I think I have more issues than a normal person should. I don’t want to conform to society’s strict box of what a person should look like, but some days it is difficult.

I am getting rid of all the clothes I have been saving for when I loose the weight. I will never be that weight again unless I start using again; and that is NOT an option. So, I need to face some cold hard truths. All this being said, here is my walk.

I walk outside into the concrete cage, feeling on display again. (On display, each and every day…..right Melissa Gorga? I need to add that to my workout/walking songs) Their eyes watching me, both young and old. I hate this disease. I constantly feel judged. But, I got up at 5 am and I’m not going to surrender to the sleepy dust still lingering in the corners of my eyes. Fortunately everyone was still asleep; or at least in their houses where I could not see them. It is very humid today. But, I go out of the garage, down the driveway, and into the concrete cage of the suburbs. Oh how I miss my magical forest; I even miss the gravel walkers. I use a rollator now and am in such bad shape I cannot even make it two blocks. But, I walk. I think, I listen to music, and I walk. My head bent in an almost permanent form of repentance; for what I do not know. I turn left and walk past the white truck, down the road to the first street of the loop. I take more breaks, berating myself for not sticking to it the last time. Hating the paved road beneath me. There is a rail trail here but it is too far away for me to use, since I chose not to drive for safety reasons.

I walk, hearing his voice in my head. Angry as always, and reprimand me. I walk. Now I am trying to hear my lovers voice; so patient, kind, and inspiring. Urging me on, proud of what little I have accomplished. Telling me “I got you, babe”. It is hard to drown out the other voice, the angry voice. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I am not worthy of love. But I walk. I walk and I think. I may not feel worthy of his deep love, but he thinks I am. So I walk, straining to hear his sweet voice. I walk and rest; walk and rest. This is not my magical forest, but I must find a way to embrace it. Find a way to embrace my disease. Find a way to love myself. So I walk.

I cannot make it to the second street of the loop, so I turn to go back. I am not able to speed walk today, but I walked. There is a small forest behind the varied houses, but I would have to go through someone’s yard. I know none of my neighbors, social anxiety SUCKS! So I head back. Past the big green electrical box. I walk, past the basketball stand. The sun is just beginning to peek through the trees. Summer brings such a vibrant lush green to the world. I am thankful there are so many trees near the street. I walk to the driveway with the big white truck. Up to the garage, up the stairs and slump on the couch in front of a very wonderfully needed fan.

It felt good to walk. I wish I had done more. I will go again on Friday. I will try to walk further. We are in the midst of a heatwave so I will have to get up early again. The best part was the lack of the lookers. They may not be gravel walkers but I still keep my distance. Not just because there is a pandemic stealing souls throughout the world, but because they judge. Even the best of the lookers still have pity in their eyes. So, Friday I will try to find more interesting markers. This is where I am forced to walk, so this is what I will embrace. And in doing so, I take back a little part of myself.