Never Give Up

(Please read the full story, I promise it gets better at the end)

I am not strong. I guess sometimes I just push this disease out of my mind and go on with my life. But every once in awhile something happens to slap me in the face and drag me back down to reality. This disease is mine. It will never, ever go away. It will probably continue to get worse. There is NOTHING I can do. It sucks. I’m angry. It’s not fair. I look at those around me, both strangers and those close to me. They take their health for granted. I can’t be angry with them. I used to take my health for granted also. They can stand up and prepare a meal. They can walk as far as they want without aid. I want my old life back. I wanna do what I want when I want.

I feel trapped in this horrible body. I have always had issues with the way I look and always hated my body but this is even deeper. The disease is even deeper. My body is growing new bones. Fusing my spine together. I can feel it slither around working it’s way into my brain. Laughing at me and all my attempts to just LIVE. I fight so hard some days. Fight to get out of bed. Fight to get dressed. Fight to make dinner for my love. Fight to clean up the house. Fight to remain positive. I am so very tired. Giving up is not an option, EVER. But I am so very tired. I just wish there was a way to take a break from my body. To just exist outside of it. Float through space and be free.

How can I accept this? How am I supposed to lead a happy life knowing that pain and physical challenges will continue to get worse. How can I stay positive when I am constantly forced to ask for help. It’s NOT FAIR!!!

I wrote the above the beginning of this month. All of it is still true today, but, somedays are better than others. Now I am trying to find ways to do my “simple” everyday tasks. Sometimes the ideas are immediate and others seem to take forever to figure out.

I have found a lotion applicator to help me put lotion on the lower parts of my legs. It works great. I came up with the idea to get a pooper scooper for the house inside. Sometimes the dog has an accident and I can no longer reach down to get it. It would drive me nuts that I would have to wait all day just til Jeff came home to have it cleaned up. I also came up with another idea today. It is very difficult for me to prepare potatoes. Today I put a roast in the crockpot. I had to take the colander, the peeler, a knife, the cutting board, the potatoes and the trashcan to the table just to prepare the potatoes for the roast. Now, keep in mind I have to use a cane so all of this is one handed. Then I have to take it all back to the kitchen. But it dawned on me tonight. There are canned whole potatoes. Though not as nice a presentation, it would be so much easier for me to use. And as an added bonus I don’t have to worry about the potatoes going bad because I didn’t use them quickly enough.

That is another obstacle for me. I can’t tell from one day to the next what my pain level will be so it is very difficult to plan meals. I have bags of chicken nuggets and tater tots in the freezer as a stand by. Unfortunately I am a picky eater, lol.

My thoughts in writing all of this tonight and showing all of you what my discouragements are is in the hope of helping someone else. I try my best to stay positive but as you saw, it doesn’t always happen. I learned tonight that with a little thought I can come up with some creative ways of still taking care of those I love even if I can’t do it the way I used to. My point is NEVER GIVE UP…………..NEVER SURRENDER. I can’t make lemonade out of the lemons life gave me, but I can use them as garnish to make my iced tea pretty.